Dear Diary … 7/22/2016
I’m not sure what I’m feeling.. I guess it is a little bit of everything but also nothing at all. I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is beating too fast and I can’t focus… but I can hear the fans and every breath Zach takes. I’m smiling and I’m happy. I’m excited for what’s to come and I’m nervous for tomorrow but I’m also really really sad and anxious and my chest is tight and oh god it’s hard to breath, it’s so hard to breath, why?
I’m tired but I’m wide awake. The fan is too loud. I’m really really hot, but I’m shivering everywhere. I am overly aware. I just want to go away but wait. Where am I? Am I here? I feel like I’m in a dream. I’m reading a book. I’m thinking back on a memory. This isn’t me. I’m looking back on a happy though, a sad thought, an anxious time, all of the above.
I’m typing so fast right now, my tendons actually hurt and my fingers and starting to cramp but I can’t stop because I’m stumbling over my words. I can’t keep up with my thoughts and feelings and I’m still missing so many.
Why am I like this? This really cannot be normal. Not everyone feels like this. I know they don’t. I explained this to Zach and he seemed almost awestruck and sad. Somewhat confused. I’m so proud of him. I don’t tell him that enough.. I love him so much. God, I’m so lucky. He makes me so happy. I cannot wait to see him waiting for me at the end of the aisle… the smile on his face when he sees me. When I take his name. He can be so stubborn sometimes… but he is so… helpful and loving. He does whatever he can to help me in any situation. He’s always by my side.
My chest is no longer tight. That’s the first time in the last few minutes of typing this. My smile is growing wider and wider. I don’t know what to type any more and I don’t know where to go with my words… but I was feeling a tad anxious and odd. I just figured I’d share it with you all. Zach’s currently on the phone with his mom or dad. Perfect timing, he just hung up. None of this was prompted, just how I was feeling. Thanks for reading.
Keep calm, and stay epic,