Happy Birthday Grandpa
I miss you. So so much. I told Facebook that I couldn’t see my Aunt’s profile picture updates anymore because so frequently they got changed to you and I just can’t handle it at random. Today I didn’t realize why I was so down and why I was so off and then I realized it was because it was your birthday.
I know you wouldn’t want me to feel so bitter and sad. I hate that the last time I saw you was in a coffin. I hate that I was forced to see you like that for other people’s closure… I hate that I was told that I couldn’t come see you in the hospital because I shouldn’t see you like that … why couldn’t I see you alive but I can see you lying in a coffin?
None of that should matter any more … At the time it was unreal, fake. didn’t seem like it was happening. The day of your funeral, it hit me and I burst into tears and a break down for the first time… but after that I was just numb… Every once and a while I would wonder how you were doing and I would just get hit with the realization that you weren’t… because you were no longer around.
The next year … last year … 2015 … I was struggling with depression and it hit me a little harder. I think it was more real as the one year mark hit that you were really gone. I was no longer busy with school but I was busy traveling and my mind wasn’t really on it all. Again, it would hit me here and there. I would pick up your swiss army knife that dad pass down to me and I would burst into tears.
This year … 2016 … It’s the worst. It’s the hardest … and it’s not getting any easier and I just wish that you were here to say it was better even though I don’t think those were ever even words you’ve ever said. I’m forgetting your voice. When I picture you, I’m picturing you from my childhood, not the last few years of your life and it makes me feel like I’m forgetting you. I want to think it’s because I want to remember you as your were healthy.
Father’s day was rough … it made me think of you. Facebook was flooded from pictures of you from various family members. Then year two anniversary of your death came around … and now when I thought I was getting myself back together again and winding down from summer blues today I was so down and it finally clicked what today’s date was… it was your birthday.
It’s not your fault … but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday … If I remember correctly it would’ve been your 78th.
I’m sorry this post was such a downer, but it helped me relax some …
I miss you Grandpa